20 Ways Toddlers Torture Their Parents

20 ways toddlers torture their parents

I will be the first to tell you that my two littles are the absolute most beautiful babies to have ever been born. (proof, for your viewing pleasure.)

Annabelle 08/29/2013
Graham 10/14/2014

 They never even went through the awkward-alien-looking newborn phase. Seriously, they were born cute and have only gotten cuter ever since. The downfall to this abundance of cuteness is that they know how cute they are and how to work this cuteness to their advantage and our demise. These babies seem to be under the impression that, based solely on their cute little smiles, they can be really annoying and/or downright gross, and we will just take it without complaint. They’re the perfect little baby terrorists; knowing exactly how much pain to inflict before easing up and batting those Baby Blues. MonsterGraham likes to be particularly flirty while I’m hosing him off outside because the diaper he delivered couldn’t be dealt with within the confines of four walls. I’ve compiled a list of 20 activities my toddlers partake in for the sole purpose of torturing the adults around them:

  1. Smiles at you while openly defying you *opens forbidden door* *but look mom, I’m giving you the big girl smile*
  2. “Naps” in the car for five minutes. Doesn’t “need” to nap for the rest of the day.
  3. Shares snacks with their toys, pets, and newborn baby brother. Shares all illnesses, too.
  4. Doesn’t poop for three days…
  5. …poops 8 times on day four!
  6. Throws pacifiers out of crib in the middle of the night. Immediately regrets this decision and screams until someone retrieves said pacifiers.
  7. Hijacks your phone for 18 years to play the same really obnoxious Fisher Price apps on loop.
  8. Only entertained by really loud and/or messy toys in the playroom
  9. Has $1,000,000 worth of beach toys. Only wants to play with discarded stick capable of impaling them.
  10. Says the “D” word- Dadda- first. SERIOUSLY? I gave you life! You can’t throw a Momma at me?
  11. Waits until wearing their new, special outfit to have diaper explosion. A bonus point if explosion is in public or if Mom is wearing white at time of explosion.
  12. Attempts to ride family pets like horses.
  13. Becomes so excited about potty-training that they take their diapers off to pee in their crib.
  14. Swipes pacifiers from unsuspecting babies in the church nursery — why are we all constantly sick, again?
  15. FINALLY sleeps through the night at TEN months old. Promptly begins teething. Who needs sleep, anyway?
  16. Totally loves daycare. Makes sure to cry hysterically every morning at drop off, just in case you were planning on having a good or productive day at work.
  17. Wants to play with Baby Brother. Doesn’t want Baby Brother to touch any toys.
  18. Wants to take a bath. Drains all water. Cries that bath time is over.
  19. In a great mood all day. Sees family photographer. No smiles to be had.
  20. Becomes fascinated with wine bottles to the point that strangers openly wonder if they’ve been “overexposed” to alcohol.

 

This list is every-growing around here. What do your homegrown terrorists do to keep you on your toes?