I have to tell you, I’m in a constant state of confusion with my children:
One day we are potty-trained, the next day we are pooping in the hallway.
One day we eat chicken nuggets, the next day we throw ourselves on the ground at the sight of protein.
One day we LOVE gold glitter shoes, the next day our feet physically cannot be bound by those torture devices.
The list goes on. I know that children go through phases and stages and LEEPS and all those things but it seems that lately the only constant is that confusion abounds in this house. I’m pretty sure that they compare notes to make sure all levels of absurdity are handled by at least one of them on a given day. I decided to sit down for a moment and try to peer inside their little toddler reasoning to understand the constant tantrums, fights, and frustration of these two little people. These 15 truths are what seem to be governing their toddler decision-making, and my life, at the moment.
15 Undeniable Truths- as interpreted from the actions of my toddlers:
- If my sibling is playing with a toy, that toy is the most desirable thing on Earth. Even if said toy has been lodged under the treadmill, forgotten, for over a month.
- If Mommy is on the phone, she’s not really talking to someone else on the other end; she’s inviting you to grab that phone out her hand, run away, and take 204,493,049 selfies before bedtime.
- Eating the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is not only desirable, it’s the only way of life. And that thing should be Cheerios.
- If a pacifier *might* be left in the car or Mommy’s purse, we should pursue that possibility with all our might until someone hyperventilates and the contents are purged to our delight.
- If Daddy tries to change my diaper, he’s actually inviting me to a wrestling match between the two of us. I should roll around like an alligator with its prey until urine and feces are covering the dresser and walls and I am finally naked, free, and declared the Victor of this round.
- Let me be clear, socks are the enemy. Scream, run, cry, and slobber at the sight of them.
- When Mommy is reading me a book, I should do one of two things: turn 4 pages at a time so the story makes ZERO sense for anyone or 2 insist that we read each book at least 35 times. We know Mommy likes the sound of her own voice anyway.
- The only acceptable places to poop are: sitting in Mommy/Daddy’s lap, church, on an airplane. If we can throw in a dirty diaper on a long road trip every now and then we are really winning.
- Mommy and Daddy love to hear us whine. We need to make sure that at least one of us is whining during all waking hours for their pleasure.
- Torturing myself is fun. Throwing all pacifiers out of my crib and crying until someone retrieves them for me is a great game I like to play from the hours of 1AM-4AM.
- Our playroom is so confusing. How do I know what I want to play with when the toys are neatly put away and books neatly stacked on the shelf? I have to fix my playroom EVERY DAY by removing all toys, books, and puzzles from the shelves and scattering them on the floor.
- It’s perfectly reasonable to throw myself on the ground kicking and screaming whenever I feel necessary. It’s especially reasonable when my sibling is being carried and I’m forced to walk on my own.
- If I want to go play outside when it’s 40 degrees and raining, I should be able to. I really like playing in the mud. There is no reason why Mommy and Daddy shouldn’t GLADLY take me outside and let me edge on hypothermia.
- Getting dressed in the morning should be a negotiation. If I want to wear two left shoes and no pants, I should be allowed to. You do you, Mom. Let me do me.
- Playing with Mommy’s phone is my God-given right. If I get a hold of it and the pass code is on, I should keep trying until her phone is disabled for at least an hour.